it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
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I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
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The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize