Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize