When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
