My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
