batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
