im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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