Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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