neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
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