last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
