No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Randomize
