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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I smell stomach acid.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
