So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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