Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
