Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
