I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
