all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
