I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
