i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
