I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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