I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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