A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
How does it feel to date your dad?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You ruined the universe
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