It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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