We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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