one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"