you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though