I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
