You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
