well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
