What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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