Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
