Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
