I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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