Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
