I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
