Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
