Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
