Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(310): View more from California

So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes

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(914): View more from New York

This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.

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(206): View more from Washington

He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.

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(509): View more from Washington

So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did

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(210): View more from Texas

How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance

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(317): View more from Indiana

Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.

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