I just cut my nipple shaving
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize