before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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