so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
