I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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