Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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