she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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