my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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