you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
