why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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