I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
