she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
