I hate your face
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
