u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
