Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
