any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
As shirtless as possible
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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