Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
