I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
