Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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