Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
