i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
