evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
