At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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