Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Text me some of your sweat
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
