put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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