I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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