you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You have to summon your inner elephant
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
