i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
