If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
